That Family...

The last few weeks have been crazy...and guess what? The next few weeks will be even crazier!

I have a daughter who is six. She is loud, she is opinionated, she is strong willed, she is a mover, she fights sleep, she talks back, she questions everything and she says "mom" at least 5,000 times a day.

She may have ADHD, she may be on the spectrum, she may have Sensory Processing Disorder...we are trying to figure her out.

She is brilliant, she shines, her smile will no doubt make you smile...she lights up any room.

Yesterday was a day where I had just a few things to accomplish and so I loaded the 7 kids into the car and we set off.

The kids were all whiny, complaining and oh so loud. I used my nice "teachery" voice saying "voices off please", then I gave threats of time-outs or no t.v. time, then I gave the "I will pull this van over!" and I do...I drive a 12 passenger van and I do pull it over at least once a week to talk to one of my kids face to face about their behavior.

Nothing worked...

We were parked in a parking lot waiting for the my order of the best sushi ever and had  my dear 6 year old just would not stop. So...I had to go to the back to the van to talk to my six year old...face to face. I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof and I grew horns atop my head. She probably saw me that way too.

I was at the end of my rope.

I talked to her and left the kids in the car with their big brother to go in and grab the sushi, by the time I walked out I was crying...tears streaming under my sunglasses...thinking I am the worst of the worst.

Here I have been entrusted with 7 kids...7 kids!!!

And I am crying about how I let them ,or one, get the best of me.

You see this is the life I wanted. I never envisioned a picture perfect family for myself. (although I do see my family as picture perfect) I don't know why...I have always had a heart for kids, always had a heart for special needs and can control a classroom of 20+ ballerinas...

I worry about what people think far too much. I lose sight of the BIG picture.

I truly feel like my kids should all behave like little saints all the time. They don't...I just feel they should!

Then I get disappointed thinking I am doing something wrong. I am mothering wrong, I am not being a good example, I am not disciplining correctly...the list goes on and on and on.

I forget the big picture. God gave me this family...they are awesome.

My kids have issues. Some more than others. Some are laid back, some are resilient, some a sensitive, some know their manners, some are still learning their manners, some are quiet and reserved, some are loud and don't care who knows it, some are receiving awards like "most self-control", some will get "most spirited", some show me every emotion and some I just don't know what is sinking in.

But here is the ticket. When I stop, when I look at the BIG picture, when I take a breath and think back to what it was I prayed for in my family, I see everything I have ever wanted.

There are days where we walk into the park, church, or the grocery store and I am sure people think there is "that family" good or bad...we are quite a sight!

I am so proud of my family. I know we can handle anything. And I know we have lots of LOVE.

So here is to hoping I can take a breath the next time I am at the breaking point and look back in my monster of a van and see those little faces and breath...and thank God for the crazy, beautiful family I have, because it is...

my dream come true.

Half a Lifetime...

I am 34. Wow! I am 34.

Maybe I am one of those morbid people...but I thought I wouldn't ever make it to 34...did you ever think that? Like you would never live to adulthood? It's not that old!

I also thought I would have life figured out by now.
I
really
truly
did.

I thought when I got out of my home, once I got married, once I had a child, once I lived out a few of my dreams, once I forgave, once I let go...I would have it all figured out.

I don't have it figured out...I never will.

But...here is to trying my best!

34 is a good number for me.

For me ages 16 and 17 were two years that impacted my life, strongly. But what is special about this time in my life is that it was a couple of the worst years of my life and yet I found love, I was given the gift of love from two very special people.

Right now I am listening to a broadcast about wise words...and how what people say to you sticks with you for years. My sister in law sent it to me while I started this blog and it ties in beautifully.

The first 16 years of my life I have very specific words that cut me deeply, to my core, from the people who were to show me love. These words stuck with me for decades. In fact these words of hate molded me into the person I am today.

At ages 16 and 17 I was a very torn soul. And yet I met my best friend. David was a goofy kid, he made me laugh and he has always made me feel safe. I was an anxious, anorexic, ballet dancer who was processing life and leaving home at a young age. I didn't trust, I didn't feel safe, I didn't know it was ok to not show "perfection". And then God placed Dave in my life. Just a boy, a friend, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. I will never forget our first hug. I felt safe. That was a rare feeling for me.

That was over half my life ago.

When I returned from dancing in New York I was a lost soul. I left home and needed to finish high school. However, I was at a private school and had no funding to continue my tuition at this school. I talked to the superintendent and she told me I could finish school if I would work in the office for the summer. That is where I met Lloydine, my mama. I moved in with her, her husband and daughter. Again, I felt safe, I felt loved, I felt cared for, I felt that I could be honest, that I could eat, that I could sleep. I felt I could see myself as something else. Something whole, something that God created me to be.

This past year I have realized that these two people have been loving me, supporting me, believing in me, teaching me for more than half my life.

That's a long time.

I am blessed! I often turn to the negative, I often think of what I do not have. I often think of those words that still sting my soul.

But they do not define my soul. No...I let those words go. I have let people go.

I have been blessed. At the time I never could have dreamed I would be married to my best friend. To my safety. I never would have dreamed that Lloydine would be a grandma to my kids, spoiling them and loving them.

I pray that if you are holding onto something so tightly that it has consumed your thoughts for months, years, decades, a lifetime...let it go. I am blessed. I am held safe in HIS arms and I have people surrounding me with grace, understanding, words of encouragement, forgiveness, love.

This next 17 years I will think much less of the words that cut deep, or the people who try to tear me down..no I will focus on the people who have been put into my life to build me up, love me, show me grace and teach me the beauty of this life.

There is nothing more sad then a life wasted in bitterness and the what if's.

Here is to living life receiving love. Letting go of the distractions that want you to drag through your story with a heavy heart and a lowered head.

It is a beautiful feeling...safety...that is what I have always prayed for the kids who come into our home to feel. Safe.

I Am Back!

The last year or so I have been floundering. Holding it together...pretty well actually...but floundering all at the same time. Somewhere along the way I lost my mommy swagger. I lost my vision. I lost the feeling of what I am doing is the most important work.

This past week I was on two long six hour flights to Boston and home and had time to sit...think...process. I constantly have things floating in my head wanting to be typed out...mostly ramblings...things I find important or worthy of sharing...but then I second guess myself. I think...everyone wants to blog. Why should I?

So I jotted down why it is I want to blog. Why I feel that I am even worthy of putting forth what pops in my head, how I get through a day, what I have learned from our crisis, what I know about faith, about family, about friendship, about mothering, about special needs children, about broken hearts, about abundant blessings.

I came up with a pretty long list! I prayed about it. And here I am...ready to pour the murmurings of my heart out on a blank slate for you to read. I pray I inspire...I pray you think, if she can do it...so can I. I pray you can look at life a little more simply, a little less focused on us as individuals and more as a family. Whatever that is for you.

Currently my family is my husband and I raising two biological children, three adopted children and two foster children (one soon to be adopted). We have special needs, we have different colors of skin, we have hyper, we have mellow, we have old souls, we have those that constantly keep you on your toes, we have stories, we have broken hearts, we have healing, we have moments of tears and we have moments of ...how could life get any better?

So here it is...Purity in Pandemonium...for you...ENJOY.