Half a Lifetime...

I am 34. Wow! I am 34.

Maybe I am one of those morbid people...but I thought I wouldn't ever make it to 34...did you ever think that? Like you would never live to adulthood? It's not that old!

I also thought I would have life figured out by now.
I
really
truly
did.

I thought when I got out of my home, once I got married, once I had a child, once I lived out a few of my dreams, once I forgave, once I let go...I would have it all figured out.

I don't have it figured out...I never will.

But...here is to trying my best!

34 is a good number for me.

For me ages 16 and 17 were two years that impacted my life, strongly. But what is special about this time in my life is that it was a couple of the worst years of my life and yet I found love, I was given the gift of love from two very special people.

Right now I am listening to a broadcast about wise words...and how what people say to you sticks with you for years. My sister in law sent it to me while I started this blog and it ties in beautifully.

The first 16 years of my life I have very specific words that cut me deeply, to my core, from the people who were to show me love. These words stuck with me for decades. In fact these words of hate molded me into the person I am today.

At ages 16 and 17 I was a very torn soul. And yet I met my best friend. David was a goofy kid, he made me laugh and he has always made me feel safe. I was an anxious, anorexic, ballet dancer who was processing life and leaving home at a young age. I didn't trust, I didn't feel safe, I didn't know it was ok to not show "perfection". And then God placed Dave in my life. Just a boy, a friend, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. I will never forget our first hug. I felt safe. That was a rare feeling for me.

That was over half my life ago.

When I returned from dancing in New York I was a lost soul. I left home and needed to finish high school. However, I was at a private school and had no funding to continue my tuition at this school. I talked to the superintendent and she told me I could finish school if I would work in the office for the summer. That is where I met Lloydine, my mama. I moved in with her, her husband and daughter. Again, I felt safe, I felt loved, I felt cared for, I felt that I could be honest, that I could eat, that I could sleep. I felt I could see myself as something else. Something whole, something that God created me to be.

This past year I have realized that these two people have been loving me, supporting me, believing in me, teaching me for more than half my life.

That's a long time.

I am blessed! I often turn to the negative, I often think of what I do not have. I often think of those words that still sting my soul.

But they do not define my soul. No...I let those words go. I have let people go.

I have been blessed. At the time I never could have dreamed I would be married to my best friend. To my safety. I never would have dreamed that Lloydine would be a grandma to my kids, spoiling them and loving them.

I pray that if you are holding onto something so tightly that it has consumed your thoughts for months, years, decades, a lifetime...let it go. I am blessed. I am held safe in HIS arms and I have people surrounding me with grace, understanding, words of encouragement, forgiveness, love.

This next 17 years I will think much less of the words that cut deep, or the people who try to tear me down..no I will focus on the people who have been put into my life to build me up, love me, show me grace and teach me the beauty of this life.

There is nothing more sad then a life wasted in bitterness and the what if's.

Here is to living life receiving love. Letting go of the distractions that want you to drag through your story with a heavy heart and a lowered head.

It is a beautiful feeling...safety...that is what I have always prayed for the kids who come into our home to feel. Safe.