What Can Happen in 2 Years?

Today is a special day for us. Maybe special is not the right word but somehow today it fits. Two years ago our, then 4 year old, daughter was burned in a horrible accident at our home. I know none of us will ever forget that moment as a whole, or the searing pain in your soul. The shock that takes your mind and body months to recover from and the wave of strong, severe emotions that come without warning.

Last year we saw fit to take all the kids to Disneyland and celebrate the whole week away. It was perfect.

This year my husband and I both decided to keep it low key, not even mention it. It felt like a good idea at the time.

But the more I sit here today, this two year anniversary of the most horrible day of our lives, I wonder...who does that help?

It doesn't help us. It doesn't help our kids. it doesn't help other burn survivors. It doesn't help the people who saved our daughter's life. Really, it is a shady effort to put it all aside and act like it didn't happen. Now, some of you may be thinking but why? Why bring it up? Why remember? Why talk about it?

Here's why.

My husband and I are building a legacy.

I have never been the kind of person who does not think ahead. My children will know why I married their dad, they will know the past I have from my childhood, they will know I am a Christian and I will never not be a Christian, they will know why I believe what I believe and how I have seen Christ's love for me and others in the darkest of times. Obviously some of these things will wait till they need to know but my life is a story and the bad stuff is part of the story.

The bad stuff is PART of the story...NOT THE STORY.

The reason I can now see July 2nd as special is not the accident, it will never be, but it is what came of our family after. The pain we saw, the tears we cried together, the prayers that were said, the sleepless nights, the unknown...it all led up to now, the joy, the laughs, the prayers of thankfulness, the walking through the kids rooms and quietly giving them all a kiss on their cheeks while they are dreaming, the bright future.

We now know we can get through anything.

Not everyone gets the chance to share and show their faith to their children, not everyone gets the chance to say "horrible things happen but we will move forward, we will grow stronger and we will be blessed."

Not everyone gets the chance to talk to their grown children or their grandchildren when they are going through their worsts and say "remember when.........we made it. If we can do it, you can do it."

So here it is. We have all gone through something. Maybe it was something so bad they could make a movie about it, maybe it is something you will never share with a soul, maybe it was recent, maybe it was decades ago. Remember that you can bless others through your story. Remember if you are a parent, children are watching your every move and they soak everything in. Remember your attitude through a crisis can change someone's life forever. Remember to search for the blessings Remember year by year, month by month, day by day you are building a legacy.

Be a blessing.

Go For It!

Going for it has been on my mind a lot lately, mostly in the way it is applicable to adoption. This is not an adoption blog but just a random blog about my life and my passions and if something really stirs up inside me, a way to share and let it out.

David and I are parents to five children. We have our two firstborn children Thomas (9), Addison (5), then we have our two adopted children that are full siblings Brooklyn (3) and Benjamin (3) but wait for it... we are also foster parents to an adorable little one. We will call her M. She is 16 months and we are now in that crazy time of waiting to see what her birth parents do, what they will pull out of their magic bag of tricks and see if it is the Lord's plan for her to be part of our family forever.

Since caring for five children I get "looks". You know the kind, you might even be the person giving them! Ha!

There was a chance about a week ago that we were getting placed with another newborn. It's funny because you get EVERYONES opinion whether you want it or not. Mostly it was...can you handle another? Well yes, we can.

Will it be hard?.. yup.
Will it be convenient?...nope.

But we also got the opinions of my closest friends and it was "if anyone can do this it is you and Dave" or "That child will be blessed" or "I am so jealous!"

When something is your passion or your ministry it doesn't really matter how tired you are, how you will have to take two cars to church on Sundays or how much time it takes to take on another child.

I think the Lord places something in you, it may be something others consider "crazy", because I know I always feel a little crazy (in a good way) when we are asked to adopt again or foster again. I don't think "Here we go again!" No, I think "wow God, you trust me with so much and I will do my best."

Last night I was watching TLC The Little Couple. This married couple have wanted children for a few years now. They have tried everything, surrogacy while pursuing adoption. They finally got matched with a little boy from China. While preparing their home for this little guy they got a call about another baby from India. Wow! As they were talking about this opportunity, this child, I could see Dave and I. That is exactly how we act. No doubt, no stress, no complaining. Just the CRAZY of course! It is crazy love.

Parenting is scary whether you have children on your own, with the help of fertility treatments, if you have to labor naturally or have the most complicated c-section, if you adopt from foster care, with an open adoption agreement or from another country. It's a risk, it's unknown, it's a roller coaster. But I encourage you that if you have that feeling like, "we got this", you have that crazy feeling of calm no matter what the future holds I encourage you to go for it.

People are always going to talk, they will look, they will make their comments, they will not get over their prejudices, or their stigmas. Let them be. But for you...if it is placed on your heart, be the change, be the mom, be the dad, be the crazy love and Go For It!

Wisdom

As I look back on my life and all that has been thrown my way, one thing I am thankful for is wisdom.

This is not always as fun as it's cracked up to be.

Sometimes you have people twice your age needing advice. Sometimes you have to be wise enough to not say something sassy back at someone who is picking away at you. Sometimes you have to get yourself back in check because you know your about to lose it and frankly....you're just to wise. ;)

From the age of three I have endured some of life's hardest lessons but looking back on all of it I see how I can protect my own children through those lessons, or maybe I can give advice to someone hurting, or maybe I can empathize with someone who has been in a horrible accident, or someone who has a child at deaths door. I can give my friends advice on how to forgive and pray, or I can give my children an extra hug on the day I need one most.

Yes, wisdom is a blessing.

I can think ahead to how my life might be in a few years and see how I'll be able to bestow even more wisdom with my children. I often think of my Brooklyn and Benjamin. Essentially abandoned by their birth parents and how they may think no one knows how they feel. But you see I have a mom who chooses not to engage with me, I have felt that betrayal, I have felt that hurt to my core, the feeling you did something to not earn your own mothers love....but now I see, that was part of my story to gain wisdom for these two children that will need it and potentially thrive on it. And be able to pass it along to their children...my grandchildren.

I could however, choose to do the opposite. Always wanting, and never giving because I feel I was dooped, or I got the short end of the stick. Please don't live that way. There is so much more JOY and FULFILLMENT if you just choose to do what we are supposed to do, and that is be a blessing to others.

Mistakes happen, always be quick to forgive yourself and others. Make wise choices in the words you say and the actions you show others.

If you have had your share of bumps in the road, consider those bumps part of your story that you can now share as wisdom to others. It really is a beautiful thing the way the Lord weaves your life together for good. It is a promise of His. There have been times where I truthfully have doubted that promise. But time heals and your story unfolds in just the right way if you let it. Be strong today.

Be a blessing.

Love Letters

There is nothing more special than a hand written love letter. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have a box full of letters to each other during our courting days. Someday when we have a few hours to spare we will have to pull that box out and read those letters. They were mostly sweet, innocent dreams that have now been fulfilled.

When I was a few weeks pregnant with my oldest son I decided I would write handwritten love letters to my children. Of course with your first child I wrote them almost every month of my pregnancy and then at least every six months thereafter. Now we have four children and one foster baby and I barely have the time to get one done every year. I try to write each child a letter every year on or around their birthday.

I don't know when I will give my children these letters. Maybe their graduation, maybe their wedding day, maybe when they are low and need to know that I have loved them before they were ever placed in my arms. It will happen when it is time.

I was reading through baby books today and found a few random letters I had wrote to my now 5 year old daughter Addison. I cried as I read them.

Addison was born 2 months early and I was very very sick before and after she was born. I am not talking morning sickness I am talking like a bowel obstruction and then basically my body shutting down after she was born and giving in to infection. I was in the hospital for 20 days after she was born.

This was such a hard time for me as a mother. I think I felt guilt, I felt less of a mommy because I was so sick I could not care for my baby alone, I felt a little jaded by the fact that I had planned to bring home this perfectly healthy baby 1 week before her due date. I planned to have a c-section just like I did with her brother, come home 3 days later on my happy pills and gaze at my beautiful babies while sitting next to my best friend.

But, alas there were other plans. Here is a letter I wrote to Addison years ago, years before she was burned, years before we knew we would endure anything so horrible.

September 25, 2008
Dear Addison,

You are now 15 months. We are still living with Grandpa and Grandma Strode and have been since you were 6 months old. We have a house (our first ever) being built in Graham. I am hoping that it will be done before Christmas.

You are a sweet baby who looks just like I did as a baby. I mean really! Grandma Cathie found some of my baby pictures and people thought they were of you when they saw them.

I was just sitting here looking at some of the pictures of you in the hospital. I still get overwhelmed with different emotions from that time in our lives. I was so sick, you were so small and I had such enormous guilt of you having to be delivered so early. I remember after them taking you to the NICU with daddy I got really sick and needed to be put to sleep for the rest of my surgery.

I woke up when they were done with me and I wanted to see you so badly. But I was too sick. I kept asking how you were and if I could see daddy but they said "no" I needed to be monitored. Finally, a few hours later I got to see daddy, Grandpa Ben, Grandma Sally and Grandpa Ray. They told me how great you were doing and how pretty you were. I saw a couple of pictures of you and then I fell asleep for hours and hours.

I think what was so sad is as an adult you have these dreams. Dreams of getting married, having babies, buying a home...living happily ever after.

Sometimes God gives you challenges for whatever reason. So your birth and that short time you have bonding with your newborn, that was taken from me. God saw fit to give me another memory. We did great through it but seeing pictures of it still gives my heart a little ache.

You are a true blessing Addie! You too will come across hardships but they don't have to be heartbreaking! Learn, ALWAYS learn from situations the Lord allows you to endure. Perseverence is a strengthening characteristic. A characteristic I pray you and your brother have. I love you gorgeous!

Love,
      Mommy.

That was a mommy encouraging her sweet baby, before she would ever have to endure anything life changing again. Now she has. Addison has fought for her life and still stands with her head held high. She has that pereserverence I prayed for.

I challenge you to start writing love letters again. Maybe not sappy love letters but letters that build up, build a history. Remember the sweet and special times and then maybe someday when tragedy strikes you will have your heart on paper. You will read that letter, your emotions, your heart and you will say I prayed for you and I to get through the trials of life. And we will.

Be a blessing today.

How Many You's are There?

Growing up a I was a ballerina.

Not just a little kid who took ballet, I was the real deal for a while there. When I was 12 I auditioned for Joffrey Ballet Summer Intensive, I had no idea what it even was, but my dear ballet teacher told me to audition and I did what she said! I was accepted to a trainee level on scholarship and I will never forget her reaction when I told her. I still had no idea what a big deal this was. This was the beginning of my ballet "me".

I worked hard for years, and for years my hard work paid off. I made many memories and friends being a dancer. I see pictures of who I once was and think "I remember that day". I remember my fears that day, or my excitement. I remember the smell of the hairspray and the sweaty ballet slippers. I remember always being a ball of nerves backstage and then the second those lights hit my face I was in another world. It was a world where I felt beautiful and passionate. I felt special.

But, there was always more to me than being a dancer.

It was my sophomore year of high school when I met David Strode. I can't even tell you how or why we became friends but we did. We bonded as friends instantly. I felt safe with him. I felt special with him. I felt I had a best friend in him that I have never found in anyone else. Fast forward four years and we were married. That was is wife/friend "me".

I love to sing. I wouldn't say I am the best singer. I can carry a tune in a bucket. I love belting out for the Lord. I love it! But I don't train for it, I don't think about the next time someone is going to ask me to sing for a wedding or a church service, but it is a love and it is a part of me. That is the singer "me"

I adore being a caregiver. To my children or my foster babies. Oh man it just makes my soul complete knowing I am caring for children, not perfectly or without fault. But I am doing the best I can on any given day. I make sacrifices for my children, I make sure I am leading by example the way I would want them to behave someday as an adult. There isn't anything I would not do for the children who live under our roof. That's the mom "me".

I love to encourage. My friends and family know this about me. If you are going through something I want to be the one to help you out of whatever hole you find yourself in. I love to fix. I love to pray. I love to talk and I love to listen. If I was rich I would encourage you with a big chunk of cash if that is what you needed. (I'm not rich so don't get any ideas.) That's the encouraging "me"

I love to analyze. Now this can drive people crazy about me! It's true. I want to fix problems right away. I want to get along with everyone and have everyone like me. (Whether they want to or not) If you are having an issue I want to analyze it and help you fix what is broken. This annoys people. That is the analytical "me".

What are your "you's"? I have many more I could share but I want to tell you this. Not everyone is going to like all your "you's" They might be jealous of who you are in one capacity or another, they may be sizing themselves up to one "you". The Lord put all your different "you's" together. Some might be traits to share with the world and some might be something you keep to yourself. You don't have to live the one good, pleasing to the eye "you" all the time. Because, frankly, you will be missing out on a lot of life. Don't put yourself in a box.

If I was still a dancer and never allowed myself to wander away from the dancer "me" I would not be where I am today. I would not have gotten married at 20, I would have waited to have children till well into my 30's, I am sure I would not have ever felt the calling to foster, or adopt. I would not be able to encourage people with the stories I have because they would be different stories.

Be the "you's" you were created to be. All of them! Don't sell yourself short.

Be a blessing today.

Take one for the Team

My pastor gave an amazing message yesterday on David & Goliath. It wasn't your usual "have faith and the giant will die!" story. It was more about knowing that "giants" will come in life and you need to face them. The Lord did not promise us perfection in our lives and I tell you what, that has been such a hard concept for me to grasp with the injury of my daughter.

Like I said before I had been through A LOT in my life. Illness of my own, abuse, torn relationships with those you feel should be trusted the most, miscarriages, the list goes on. Most people who know me would say I am strong, that I can handle ANYTHING.

I have seen a lot of despair the last few months. On the news and within my own world. And there is no one way to handle something hard, there is no one way to battle a giant.

But here are some questions I have for you.

Do you have peoples attention?
Are you a parent?
Are you a Christian?
Do you stand for something...anything?

There are so many people in the world wanting to live a victim role. It's like that is their life's work! It's horrible and I am sure you all know someone like that. Let me ask you...is that the person you want in your life when a crisis comes? No.

Is that the person you call for advice? No.

Is that the person you point out to your children for them as an example? No.

Is that the person you point out to a non-Christian that you are trying to tell about the love of Christ and how HE is your redeemer? No.

So what good is it to you or to anyone else to be the victim? Maybe it gets you attention for a while. But that will pass.

I was deeply depressed as a teenager and I was anorexic. I will never forget my sister bringing up to me that someday my children would see pictures of me unhealthy and they would question those pictures. It struck me that more than anything I wanted to be a mom, and more than anything I wanted to be a strong, encouraging mom to my future children. That was one reason I fought to become healthy. The future and what other people would think of me.

It's easy for us to say we don't care what others think. But if that is the case then what good are we. If we live in our own little world, helping no one and thinking only of ourselves then we have missed such an amazing opportunity. It's life folks. I don't care what you believe, but if you are only thinking of yourself you've missed the boat.

Sometimes when the giants come we focus on ourselves so much that we forget people are watching. People are looking for answers. People want to know that you have been in the pit and have come out victorious!

There were days when I was in the pit and all I wanted to do was cry...but I had a little one watching me and looking for hope. Someday my children will know all about my past and I want them to know that I did not allow that ugliness to embitter me. I did not let the abuse weaken me. I did not let betrayals kill me and I did not let the giant win.

I pray that if you are struggling with something great. You will see the eyes watching you and you will in essence take one for the team, because I promise the more you lift you chin in the presence of a giant, the more confidence you show, the smaller that giant will become and you will be a light shining to everyone else facing a battle of some sort. You, yes you, may be the hope someone is seeking.

Be a blessing today.

Children

Today on FB I watched a beautiful slide show of a couple who recently adopted a darling toddler girl from Ethiopia. I was bawling like a little baby watching this slide show thinking how amazing the Lord planned this couple and their son to welcome a baby girl this way.

Since becoming an adult I have seen so many more families choose adoption and it does my heart good!

Here's why.

Children are children are children are children. They are created beings with souls and futures, with pain and hearts. Just like you and me. They thrive on love, touch, security, discipline and security. Just like you and me.

Children are not any less valuable because they were born to a teenager, drug addict, alcoholic, prostitute, homeless person or you or me. We all have value.

Sure we try to be politically correct and say some life is not worth having, but in the middle of my core I KNOW that is not the TRUTH. I have felt not valued by my mother and she said some pretty hurtful, specific things to me explaining this, but I HAVE value and so do all these other children. So do you.

My husband and I were married just a few months when I was in a lot of pain, went to the ER and were told we were expecting. I will never forget the look on my sweet husbands face! He was in shock and had the sweetest smile on his face. A few minutes later I was being rushed into surgery because the pregnancy was ectopic and I was bleeding internally. I woke, no longer pregnant.

A couple years passed and Thomas David was born.

18 months later I was pregnant again and so excited to be expecting at the same time as my sister and my sister in law. I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and saw the little beating heart and put the picture up on the fridge.

At 12 weeks I went in to an appointment expecting to hear the heartbeat and nothing...went in for an ultrasound and nothing...no heartbeat.

I was crushed.

Devastated.

Heartbroken.

I remember going home that night a little in denial. Praying for a miracle. Praying they just missed the heartbeat. I sang my baby boy to sleep in my arms and thanked God for him.

A week later I went in for surgery and woke up no longer pregnant.

It seemed pregnant bellies were everywhere.

Months later I had to go in for three major surgeries to take out my colon and was told the chances of me having another baby were extremely slim. I was OK with that knowing that my husband and I would adopt.

One and a half years passed and sweet Addison was born.

Two years later we received a call through our foster agency that they were looking for a family to FOSTER a four week old who was born addicted to drugs and had been at PICC the last four weeks. www.picc.net My heart raced with excitement! The kids and I picked her up the next day. When she was three months we were asked if we would consider adopting her. OF COURSE!

When Brooklyn was 3 days shy of 10 months we received an email about a baby boy born...Brooklyn's baby brother. We were asked if we would take him too! OF COURSE!

I lost two babies, I prayed for healing. The Lord gave me two babies, within two years! This is unheard of in the foster world. The Lord had a plan.

I don't think we are done adding to our family. After seeing that video today I am ready to hop on a plane and go adopt a baby from another country!

Our story is still unfolding. Our family is still being developed but what shocks me, what gives me goosebumps is it planned. Whether or not you adopt or feel called to adopt is not the point of this post. The point is being willing to listen to that still, small voice and take the plunge.

Children are a blessing. Even when they are driving you crazy! And trust me, mine do drive me nuts! Children are our future.
Children are worth it.

And just when you think you are done and you have had enough there is a surprise waiting for you right around the corner...maybe even two.

Be a blessing today.