Have a little...

FAITH.

Yup, I'm going there.

Faith is a touchy word. It can feel ugly to some, inspirational to others and down right riliculous to many.

I am a Christian. If you know me, you know that. It is not a secret. I have many many friends who are not Christian. I have many friends who aren't sure and of course I have many friends who are Christians as well.

This post is not about religion...so if you are freaking out right now bear with me. I want to tell you what FAITH did for me, what it will always do for me and how I doubted.

My life, as many lives are, is a roller coaster of ups and downs, lefts and rights and the kind of ride that leaves you feeling queesy and unsure at times.

My favorite verse of the Bible has always been, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I KNOW this verse. Anytime I have felt that uneasiness settle in I say that verse aloud or in my head and I feel calm.

That's the Holy Spirit.

When we were in the hopsital with sweet Addie one of my dad's long time friends came and shared that verse with me. Only I didn't feel the peace. I didn't feel the promise. I felt a little betrayed. I felt I had already lived through so much...I have matured from those experiences and tried to teach others through my own trials how to draw nearer to the Lord. This time I was at a loss when I heard that verse.

I told her this had always been my favorite verse...only this time, while those words swirled around in my head I felt alone. I did not feel God was near. I knew he was, but I did not feel he was.

*Here is a secret for you. I started this blog post months and months ago. I didn't know what to do with it, so I saved it as a draft but that word kept popping up. FAITH

What do we do when we don't know how to express our faith? What do we do when we don't FEEL the Lord near? How do we know HE is there?

The Bible.

If you are a Christian you believe in the Bible. You can't have one or the other. The Bible gives us many, many, many, examples of faith. People who had faith when maybe they didn't really know what else to do.

I say stick to the basics.

Our emotions can mess with us, they can overwhelm us, they can surprise us, scare us, calm us, rile us. They stir us.

They should not control us.

There were times when I was in the lowest of lows. One day Addie was still very unstable in the hospital and I had to drive home to pack up our then (almost adopted) 18 month old.

{This was a temporary move the state felt needed to happen, I am happy to announce he is now our son and has been almost two years!}

I was in his room packing his things, praying and pleading to the Lord to please have them change their minds, please don't let them take my baby, please don't make me pack his things. How will I survive this? What am I to learn through this? Why ME???!!! Why US???!!! I was literally screaming these things in my head. GOD WHERE ARE YOU???!!!

I started sobbing taking his clothes out of his closet and my mother in law came and hugged me and cried with me and that was what I needed. I needed a mothers hug, He provided that for me.

Throughout the whole ordeal of not knowing if Addie would breath again on her own or if little Ben would come home my thoughts, my doubts and my fears flooded me.

I would write in a prayer journal, or I would blog about Addison. I for the most part kept my doubts and fears to myself because they were between me and God, not me and the world, not me and my family, not me and my husband, not me and my church, not me and the doctors. They were between HIM and me.

I chose to practice my faith rather than feel my faith. I prayed for one word over and over again...

Restoration.

Friends, there will be times you doubt everything you have ever believed...do not run.

There will be times you think there is no one there...there is.

There will be times you feel God has abandoned you...He has not.

There will be times you will be angry with the Lord...it is okay. As a mentor of mine told me, "He can handle it."

There will be times you feel hopeless...find the hope in every situation.

Sometimes faith is being quiet, keeping your intimate thoughts between you and the Lord and then practicing your faith. Don't base your life on feelings in the moment. Embrace those feelings those emotions, but don't base your life on them.

Live out your faith, practice what you preach.

Practice what you know, practice what the Bible tell you to.

He will be there.

He will listen.

He will hold you in the palm of his hand.

He will provide restoration.

Be a blessing.

Actions Speak Louder than Words, or Facebook, or Blogs, or...

Do you have someone in your life that every time you see them they are negative, or sad, or whining about something, or angry, or sitting around with that "look" on their face?

Then you see them on social media and they are all smiles, sharing every inspirational quote there is, just being a ray of sunshine to all their hundreds and hundreds of friends? I have a few of these people in my day to day life and let me tell you...we are don't buy it...sorry.

I am an old soul, and I am old school. Actions Speak Louder than Words, they always have, they always will.

I have a situation close to my heart right now regarding a child we are potentially adopting. I know that the Lord holds her future in His hand and I have faith that the details will work out. However here we are so close and then what happens? Someone says..."we will take her" A distant blood relative. And just so I don't get a ton of messages regarding this situation these people have know about her since the day she was born. This is not a surprise situation to them. It's crunch time so everyone in the family now has a comment to make.

Where are the actions? What do these words mean? How much will they love her, cherish her, adore her, care if she continues to beat the odds, care if she grows into a beautiful child full of grace and spunk?

Words.

Words can make promises, they can allow you to share from the depths of your soul, they can allow you to open up, to share your story, to encourage, to build up, to show love, to teach, to give advice, to give joy.

They can also mean nothing.

They can be lies, they can be tough to read, they can be shallow, they can be many, they can be few, they could just be said, or read, to make you look good.

However, we know when there is no substance, we know if the promise will vanish, we know if the smile is lacking, we know if words are out of obligations or out of truth.

Why?

How?

Actions.

Actions...they are the glue, they are the substance, they are the touch, the help, the warmth, the haste, the tenacity, the resilience, the truth.

See without actions we are people without depth.

Have depth, speak truth to people in front of your face, have the same values and words in front of another human that you do in front of a computer screen.

I am surrounded by kids pretty much 24/7. Kids speak truth, whether we like it or not. :) They also are quick to forgive, love life and love people without a precept of how it will look to others. I love this. It's an amazing lesson. We can learn a lot from life's youngest souls.

Be a blessing.

Whatever Happened to Good Old Fashioned ENCOURAGEMENT?

My last few weeks have been all over the place. Lot's of ups and downs, lots of horrible situations happening to good people, feeling emotional, spread too thin and dare I say it???...overwhelmed.

I hate that word.

You see when I see myself as overwhelmed I see myself as failing. When I see my shortcomings I see weakness. When I feel betrayal, I feel unloved. When I feel out of control...I feel out of control.

This is me being honest with you.

It is rare for me to feel tired, or at the end of my rope. With 6 kids, half of them having special needs of some kind and all the other things on my mommy/volunteer plate I have felt frazzled as of late.

I think those closest to me have noticed this. Those who care have brought it up. Here are the types of discussions I have had regarding this season of my life.

I get people telling me to quit.

I get people telling me I have taken on too much.

I get people telling me I cannot save the world.

I get people telling me if one of my foster kids doesn't work out...perfectly...send them back.

I get ignored.

I get asked to do more. Cause heck, if I can do this much what is one more thing?

Then I get encouragement. This is RARE.

This should not be RARE.

For those of us who are Christians, the Bible tells us over and over again to encourage one another, help one another and build each other up.

Not tear down. Not give up because it is hard. Not discourage because maybe it causes an inconvenience in your life.

For non-Christians really encouragement is something we as a society, a people, thrive on. The pat on the back, or the "you got this!" can get you through the worst day.

I lack in the encouragement department as well. I could do much more to encourage and build up on a daily basis. Even in my own family.

However I will say this, one kind word, one cup of coffee, one friend caring enough to call you up and say "How are things?" can really change the way you look at a day, or a situation or your story.

Encouragement is free. It only adds goodness to life.

There is always a critic, there is always a pessimist, there is always someone ready to tear down...maybe because it makes them feel better for the lack of good they are doing in the world, maybe it's because they are jealous of the life you lead, maybe it's because they never learned to be an encourager...but it is time. Time to learn and time to set aside your judgments, your desires and your demands and be some good in someone's life.

It's time to build up, it's time to smile, it's time to lend a hand, to say "well done" to show whatever encouragement you have in that heart of yours. It will only make the world a better place.

Most of us already know where we are lacking, we don't need the world pouring it out at our feet.

Think of the lives you could change being that smile in someone's day. Just the thought of that puts a smile on my face. Hmmm...ENCOURAGEMENT. Something to ponder.

Be a blessing.

What Can Happen in 2 Years?

Today is a special day for us. Maybe special is not the right word but somehow today it fits. Two years ago our, then 4 year old, daughter was burned in a horrible accident at our home. I know none of us will ever forget that moment as a whole, or the searing pain in your soul. The shock that takes your mind and body months to recover from and the wave of strong, severe emotions that come without warning.

Last year we saw fit to take all the kids to Disneyland and celebrate the whole week away. It was perfect.

This year my husband and I both decided to keep it low key, not even mention it. It felt like a good idea at the time.

But the more I sit here today, this two year anniversary of the most horrible day of our lives, I wonder...who does that help?

It doesn't help us. It doesn't help our kids. it doesn't help other burn survivors. It doesn't help the people who saved our daughter's life. Really, it is a shady effort to put it all aside and act like it didn't happen. Now, some of you may be thinking but why? Why bring it up? Why remember? Why talk about it?

Here's why.

My husband and I are building a legacy.

I have never been the kind of person who does not think ahead. My children will know why I married their dad, they will know the past I have from my childhood, they will know I am a Christian and I will never not be a Christian, they will know why I believe what I believe and how I have seen Christ's love for me and others in the darkest of times. Obviously some of these things will wait till they need to know but my life is a story and the bad stuff is part of the story.

The bad stuff is PART of the story...NOT THE STORY.

The reason I can now see July 2nd as special is not the accident, it will never be, but it is what came of our family after. The pain we saw, the tears we cried together, the prayers that were said, the sleepless nights, the unknown...it all led up to now, the joy, the laughs, the prayers of thankfulness, the walking through the kids rooms and quietly giving them all a kiss on their cheeks while they are dreaming, the bright future.

We now know we can get through anything.

Not everyone gets the chance to share and show their faith to their children, not everyone gets the chance to say "horrible things happen but we will move forward, we will grow stronger and we will be blessed."

Not everyone gets the chance to talk to their grown children or their grandchildren when they are going through their worsts and say "remember when.........we made it. If we can do it, you can do it."

So here it is. We have all gone through something. Maybe it was something so bad they could make a movie about it, maybe it is something you will never share with a soul, maybe it was recent, maybe it was decades ago. Remember that you can bless others through your story. Remember if you are a parent, children are watching your every move and they soak everything in. Remember your attitude through a crisis can change someone's life forever. Remember to search for the blessings Remember year by year, month by month, day by day you are building a legacy.

Be a blessing.

Go For It!

Going for it has been on my mind a lot lately, mostly in the way it is applicable to adoption. This is not an adoption blog but just a random blog about my life and my passions and if something really stirs up inside me, a way to share and let it out.

David and I are parents to five children. We have our two firstborn children Thomas (9), Addison (5), then we have our two adopted children that are full siblings Brooklyn (3) and Benjamin (3) but wait for it... we are also foster parents to an adorable little one. We will call her M. She is 16 months and we are now in that crazy time of waiting to see what her birth parents do, what they will pull out of their magic bag of tricks and see if it is the Lord's plan for her to be part of our family forever.

Since caring for five children I get "looks". You know the kind, you might even be the person giving them! Ha!

There was a chance about a week ago that we were getting placed with another newborn. It's funny because you get EVERYONES opinion whether you want it or not. Mostly it was...can you handle another? Well yes, we can.

Will it be hard?.. yup.
Will it be convenient?...nope.

But we also got the opinions of my closest friends and it was "if anyone can do this it is you and Dave" or "That child will be blessed" or "I am so jealous!"

When something is your passion or your ministry it doesn't really matter how tired you are, how you will have to take two cars to church on Sundays or how much time it takes to take on another child.

I think the Lord places something in you, it may be something others consider "crazy", because I know I always feel a little crazy (in a good way) when we are asked to adopt again or foster again. I don't think "Here we go again!" No, I think "wow God, you trust me with so much and I will do my best."

Last night I was watching TLC The Little Couple. This married couple have wanted children for a few years now. They have tried everything, surrogacy while pursuing adoption. They finally got matched with a little boy from China. While preparing their home for this little guy they got a call about another baby from India. Wow! As they were talking about this opportunity, this child, I could see Dave and I. That is exactly how we act. No doubt, no stress, no complaining. Just the CRAZY of course! It is crazy love.

Parenting is scary whether you have children on your own, with the help of fertility treatments, if you have to labor naturally or have the most complicated c-section, if you adopt from foster care, with an open adoption agreement or from another country. It's a risk, it's unknown, it's a roller coaster. But I encourage you that if you have that feeling like, "we got this", you have that crazy feeling of calm no matter what the future holds I encourage you to go for it.

People are always going to talk, they will look, they will make their comments, they will not get over their prejudices, or their stigmas. Let them be. But for you...if it is placed on your heart, be the change, be the mom, be the dad, be the crazy love and Go For It!

Wisdom

As I look back on my life and all that has been thrown my way, one thing I am thankful for is wisdom.

This is not always as fun as it's cracked up to be.

Sometimes you have people twice your age needing advice. Sometimes you have to be wise enough to not say something sassy back at someone who is picking away at you. Sometimes you have to get yourself back in check because you know your about to lose it and frankly....you're just to wise. ;)

From the age of three I have endured some of life's hardest lessons but looking back on all of it I see how I can protect my own children through those lessons, or maybe I can give advice to someone hurting, or maybe I can empathize with someone who has been in a horrible accident, or someone who has a child at deaths door. I can give my friends advice on how to forgive and pray, or I can give my children an extra hug on the day I need one most.

Yes, wisdom is a blessing.

I can think ahead to how my life might be in a few years and see how I'll be able to bestow even more wisdom with my children. I often think of my Brooklyn and Benjamin. Essentially abandoned by their birth parents and how they may think no one knows how they feel. But you see I have a mom who chooses not to engage with me, I have felt that betrayal, I have felt that hurt to my core, the feeling you did something to not earn your own mothers love....but now I see, that was part of my story to gain wisdom for these two children that will need it and potentially thrive on it. And be able to pass it along to their children...my grandchildren.

I could however, choose to do the opposite. Always wanting, and never giving because I feel I was dooped, or I got the short end of the stick. Please don't live that way. There is so much more JOY and FULFILLMENT if you just choose to do what we are supposed to do, and that is be a blessing to others.

Mistakes happen, always be quick to forgive yourself and others. Make wise choices in the words you say and the actions you show others.

If you have had your share of bumps in the road, consider those bumps part of your story that you can now share as wisdom to others. It really is a beautiful thing the way the Lord weaves your life together for good. It is a promise of His. There have been times where I truthfully have doubted that promise. But time heals and your story unfolds in just the right way if you let it. Be strong today.

Be a blessing.

Love Letters

There is nothing more special than a hand written love letter. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have a box full of letters to each other during our courting days. Someday when we have a few hours to spare we will have to pull that box out and read those letters. They were mostly sweet, innocent dreams that have now been fulfilled.

When I was a few weeks pregnant with my oldest son I decided I would write handwritten love letters to my children. Of course with your first child I wrote them almost every month of my pregnancy and then at least every six months thereafter. Now we have four children and one foster baby and I barely have the time to get one done every year. I try to write each child a letter every year on or around their birthday.

I don't know when I will give my children these letters. Maybe their graduation, maybe their wedding day, maybe when they are low and need to know that I have loved them before they were ever placed in my arms. It will happen when it is time.

I was reading through baby books today and found a few random letters I had wrote to my now 5 year old daughter Addison. I cried as I read them.

Addison was born 2 months early and I was very very sick before and after she was born. I am not talking morning sickness I am talking like a bowel obstruction and then basically my body shutting down after she was born and giving in to infection. I was in the hospital for 20 days after she was born.

This was such a hard time for me as a mother. I think I felt guilt, I felt less of a mommy because I was so sick I could not care for my baby alone, I felt a little jaded by the fact that I had planned to bring home this perfectly healthy baby 1 week before her due date. I planned to have a c-section just like I did with her brother, come home 3 days later on my happy pills and gaze at my beautiful babies while sitting next to my best friend.

But, alas there were other plans. Here is a letter I wrote to Addison years ago, years before she was burned, years before we knew we would endure anything so horrible.

September 25, 2008
Dear Addison,

You are now 15 months. We are still living with Grandpa and Grandma Strode and have been since you were 6 months old. We have a house (our first ever) being built in Graham. I am hoping that it will be done before Christmas.

You are a sweet baby who looks just like I did as a baby. I mean really! Grandma Cathie found some of my baby pictures and people thought they were of you when they saw them.

I was just sitting here looking at some of the pictures of you in the hospital. I still get overwhelmed with different emotions from that time in our lives. I was so sick, you were so small and I had such enormous guilt of you having to be delivered so early. I remember after them taking you to the NICU with daddy I got really sick and needed to be put to sleep for the rest of my surgery.

I woke up when they were done with me and I wanted to see you so badly. But I was too sick. I kept asking how you were and if I could see daddy but they said "no" I needed to be monitored. Finally, a few hours later I got to see daddy, Grandpa Ben, Grandma Sally and Grandpa Ray. They told me how great you were doing and how pretty you were. I saw a couple of pictures of you and then I fell asleep for hours and hours.

I think what was so sad is as an adult you have these dreams. Dreams of getting married, having babies, buying a home...living happily ever after.

Sometimes God gives you challenges for whatever reason. So your birth and that short time you have bonding with your newborn, that was taken from me. God saw fit to give me another memory. We did great through it but seeing pictures of it still gives my heart a little ache.

You are a true blessing Addie! You too will come across hardships but they don't have to be heartbreaking! Learn, ALWAYS learn from situations the Lord allows you to endure. Perseverence is a strengthening characteristic. A characteristic I pray you and your brother have. I love you gorgeous!

Love,
      Mommy.

That was a mommy encouraging her sweet baby, before she would ever have to endure anything life changing again. Now she has. Addison has fought for her life and still stands with her head held high. She has that pereserverence I prayed for.

I challenge you to start writing love letters again. Maybe not sappy love letters but letters that build up, build a history. Remember the sweet and special times and then maybe someday when tragedy strikes you will have your heart on paper. You will read that letter, your emotions, your heart and you will say I prayed for you and I to get through the trials of life. And we will.

Be a blessing today.